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Talk:Crossing Paths
=Feel free to comment on this Blog as well=- Just want to point out that toward the end of what you have there is a change from past-tense to present-tense. Totalimmortal 02:57, April 13, 2011 (UTC) Don't want to mess with your story, but here's how it should be to maintain the tense: "The next day life was normal aboard the ships. Ezekiel's crew hadn't found anyone worth robbing and were taking it easy. Many were dividing the recently obtained loot while their captain was in his room. He had called Alereina, the Eldar Ranger, to see him about something." Overall, though, the story seems, in a word, epic. Can't wait til its finished. Totalimmortal 03:01, April 13, 2011 (UTC) Not bad. i like how Syrath randomly killed everybody. It is exactly the kind of capricousness that you would expect from a Greater Daemon, especially a former Lord of Change. Supahbadmarine 20:25, May 1, 2011 (UTC) Good. Now as long as Primarch11 likes it as well I'll hopefully no have to change much. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 20:32, May 1, 2011 (UTC) You can still add some more to your bit if you want Supah, or are you waiting for the next chapter to advance Zeke's plot? I am still finalising my ideas for the Syrath/Bevid part of the story. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 01:13, June 19, 2011 (UTC) Don't worry about that. There is still more to tell on Ezekiel portion of the Chapter. I will get around to it soon. Supahbadmarine 01:35, June 19, 2011 (UTC) Does anybody mind if I do a little modification. I have a feeling that the story is becoming a little disjointed. Supahbadmarine 02:14, July 1, 2011 (UTC) What did you have in mind? A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 02:29, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Well, as you know Alica and Lorenzo are supposed to fight on that planet that is attacked by the Syrath's Warriors. I figured that right after that talk they could recieve a distress call from the planet. Alica would naturally have to answer despite the fact that she could no longer keep an eye on Grim. Mind you, Grim being the do-gooder that he is would offer to come along. Except that he gets a message from one of his contacts that his two favorite adversaries had a meeting recently. Naturally he would have to go aout of his way to investigate this. We would then move onto the battle where Lorenzo abnd Zeke meet. What do you think. Supahbadmarine 02:33, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Great minds obviously think alike, as that is what I was trying to gear up the end of Syrath's story towards. His next appearance would be leading the attack on a world, where his agents had a lead on the last known location of the Coin of Aruto (before it was stolen by the pirate who then subsequently lost it to Zeke). Neat idea to have Alica/Lorenzo answer the distress call and have Grim tag along in order to have them all in the same place. Now you just need to work out how Zeke ends up at that World, so that he can fulfil his destiny in saving Lorenzo Drasus and/or Alica Trallan (haven't decided whether or not she should be killed during Crossing Paths yet). A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 02:40, July 1, 2011 (UTC) He is already on the world. Did you think that little part during Chapter two was for show? Supahbadmarine 02:43, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Damn, I didn't realise your subtlety in scene setting. Well played sir. I better get to work on writing that invasion then. It'll be fun to see Zeke's perspective on the matter. :) A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 02:45, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Also, correct me if i am wrong but this is not the original plan. I thought that the ones attacking the world were simply going to be one of the Legions. If I remember correctly the SW commander was going to catch sight of the Coin during the battle and then report to Syrath after he was forced to flee, Also I meant the report for Grim to get him out of the equation for the battle. I think it's a little too soon for every one to butt heads all at once. Supahbadmarine 02:46, July 1, 2011 (UTC) I think we someone should think of a way how these characters all meet up. Otherwise this could go on forever Primarch11 02:46, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Yes, but plans change and this fits the story much better. I also wished to include Coraks as I have been recently been working on improving his background. Now to answer your questions and reassure your observations. *Locating the Coin of Aruto for Bevid was the only realistic way I could see Syrath actually working for the Chaos Lord. Otherwise Syrath's forces would have just kept the artefact for themselves, as they are greedy (particularly Commandants, as they are only interested in personal gain, save for Coraks and Arrius). *Syrath won't reach Ezekiel as quickly as he would have liked due to the Hive City being better fortified than he thought, given that the invasion was an ad hoc one based entirely on Syrath's divinations. In fact he'll end up meeting Lorenzo/Alica first. *This leaves you completely free to write what Zeke is up to during this time:helping the defenders, trying to escape etc. *Don't worry Primarch, they shall all end up meeting sooner rather than later. *And a quick question: How long do we want to make this thing? Well, what do you think of the last addition? A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 03:47, July 1, 2011 (UTC) I am not entirely sure. We have to make it long enough that Zeke, Grim and Lorenzo can build up a repertoire with one another. After all it's not like they are going to trust Zeke right off the bat. Heck, I doubt that they would think much of him initially. He has a long rap sheet, but he is not the kind of nasty criminal that Inquisitors are usually interested in. Alos, Ezekiel will most definately run. Zeke is that rare individual that can be called a Courageous Coward. Sure, he has a taste for danger, but he also has a good sense for fights that he can't win. With so many heavy hitters in one place he'll be out of there before you can say Stop Heretic! Supahbadmarine 03:56, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Well then it is important that he meets Lorenzo and Alicia early on. In fact I have a cunning plan. It is while Zeke is attempting to escape he accidently finds himself (and his posse) in a position where Syrath is towering above them (and the cornered Inquisitor and Acolyte), standing in the way of a relatively undamaged transport. Of course, the Courageous Coward (not fully assessing the situation and trying to be a complete cad), then lunges at the Daemon with his power sabre, wounding the beast. This surprises Syrath enough that it gives all of the "good guys" a chance to escape. Thoughts? A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 04:03, July 1, 2011 (UTC) I supposer it could work. I will have to be creative with Zeke's side of the story. Maybe Lorenzo and Zeke get to know each other while running from Syrath. Supahbadmarine 04:39, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Running from Syrath seems like a good idea. Also, Zeke lunging at Syrath gives him the perfect opportunity to say the lines "Trust me, I know what I'm doing..." when he clearly doesn't. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 04:44, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Alright, mind if I take the lead for a little while? Supahbadmarine 04:46, July 1, 2011 (UTC) hey how about while Zeke is getting out of the city he is captured by some of Grim's Eldar friends who were searching for the stone for him. they bring him to Grim who tries to work a deal with Zeke, until they are attack by Zeke's forces and then Syrath's forces. Also secretly they are being followed by the Shadow One. Primarch11 04:47, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Sounds more or less doable. Still lets worry about that bridge when we come to it. Supahbadmarine 04:50, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Seems a bit convoluted, but it does provide a convenient escape method for Zeke and Drasus. And I'd be more than welcome for you to take the lead Supah. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 05:44, July 1, 2011 (UTC) I will. I just need somebody to get the Inquisitors on their way. Supahbadmarine 06:21, July 1, 2011 (UTC) I guess that is our cue Primarch. I shall begin it by having a few lines dedicated to the distress calls. Can you write the details involving Grim and his entourage as I'm not quite sure of his thought pattern (other than he would offer his services to help). A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 07:09, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Right, the Inquisitors are (I'm assuming) on their way, so should turn up in chapter 4. So... I guess it's all yours. Have fun writing Supah. Oh, and Primarch, feel free to add more to the Inquisitorial Trio section. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 08:21, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Alright. I will get to work. Primarch you can add the part about Grim during the distress call when you get the chance. Supahbadmarine 17:31, July 1, 2011 (UTC) I am still not finished with this section. Wait for just a bit more. Supahbadmarine 18:29, July 1, 2011 (UTC) I will let you guys know when i am done. Supahbadmarine 19:17, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Good, I already have a plan forming. Alicia and her guard end up deploying near to the Chaos Forces, with the hope of eliminating the leaders. Hence, why they end up in the same vicinity as Zeke. I'll have Syrath and his minions change their assault, in order to follow the mobile Coin. I'll be interested to see how this part of the story finishes. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 19:35, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Actually I had an idea of this as well. I was going to have it so that Syrath decided to go after Alica when she landed, because she is part of the Brotherhood that has been a thorn in his side for many years. Ezekiel was going to head that way because high ranking commanders like Inquisitors usually come into battle in an Aquila lander, and he was hoping tohijack it. What do you think? Supahbadmarine 19:48, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Hi, you guys have a great story here and I would like to ask if I could help with Coraks and the 1st War-Legion in any way? You've portrayed Syrath well and have the right image of Coraks but I would love to help with the design of the First War-Legion? Imposter101 19:54, July 1, 2011 (UTC) yeah ill what I can do Cal Primarch11 20:06, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Yo, guys. *@Supah: Great idea, I'd never thought that Alicia should be a member of the Brotherhood of the Watchful Eye as well. Fantastic way of linking everything. *@Imposter101: Coraks was filling more of a cameo role than anything else. I included him because we had put a lot of work into renovating his character. Originally, neither Coraks or the First War Legion were going to be involved. It was just going to be Arrius and a lesser known War Legion, possibly the Fourth War Legion. I suppose you could post some more details about the First War Legion here so that I can include them in my parts of the story (the Syrath/Bevid parts are written by me). *@Primarch: great to know that. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 20:19, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Thank you for saying so. Supahbadmarine 20:25, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Cool, well the 1st War-Legion are generally quite and silent unless threatened or questioned by Syrath or Commanders. The 4th are made up of Alpha Legion marines and Cultists who joined the Warriors of Syrath and use infiltration tactics like their ancestors and are known to have colors similar to the Alpha Legion as well. Imposter101 20:28, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Good, but I think you misunderstood me. I didn't require anything about the 4th as they are not involved. It is only the 1st, 2nd and 3rd War Legions which are attacking. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 20:41, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Interesting Primarch, but another story line may confuse things a little. I think, that although Grim suspects Syrath to be searching for one of the stones, he should have no idea of Bevid's involvement at the moment. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 21:04, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Hey I was thinking maybe Bevid called for aid from one of his warband allies, the Omega Legion. Primarch11 21:05, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Sorry. The 2nd make heavy use flamers and Sorcery while the 3rd make heavy use of armored units and mechanized infantry. Imposter101 21:07, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Grim doesn't know about Bevid's involvement with Syrath. Primarch11 21:08, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Crap! this is why I told you guys to wait a bit. I just finished editing my part, and now i am in an editing conflict. What do I do? Supahbadmarine 21:42, July 1, 2011 (UTC) well put down what you got and we'll see what we can fix to match with the story so far. Primarch11 21:52, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Okay. With some quick thinking I managed to beat the conflict. I would have hated towrite all of that down again. Supahbadmarine 21:56, July 1, 2011 (UTC) actually your ending could work because the ship could be carrying the female Inquisitor and Lorenzo and While Zeke tries to steal it he is attacked and knocked out by Grim's Eldar friends who take him back to his ship. I'll do that part soon. Primarch11 22:12, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Actually, me and Cal have an idea how that should play out. The Inquisitor mentioned is Alicia. Alicia and Lorenzo are attacked their by Syrath. Ezekiel shows up and throw a wrench into things, and they run from Syrath together for a while. At least I think that is the plan. Supahbadmarine 22:21, July 1, 2011 (UTC) that could work and maybe in the aftermath of the skirmish, the Eldar grab Zeke. Primarch11 22:24, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Sorry Supah, I hadn't realised. Well, I've written in Syrath's pit stop at Alicia's (in order to finish old business). This should now provide you a way of writting Zeke into the Lorenzo/Alicia story line. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 23:09, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Should I be writing the next part invovlving Zeke? Supahbadmarine 23:24, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Yes, as I shall only be including a small Syrath dedicated part in this chapter since I assume he will be featuring heavily in Zeke's story line. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 23:29, July 1, 2011 (UTC) yeah i think you should. I was about to do a little short with Grim. Primarch11 23:30, July 1, 2011 (UTC) Primarch. Go ahead and do your scene with Grim. He is in need of some screen time, so to speak. I'll start my part after you finish. Supahbadmarine 23:33, July 1, 2011 (UTC) okay i did the Grim part. also Frad is a death korps of krieg and David is a Kasrkin from Cadia who now work for Grim Doris. Primarch11 00:29, July 2, 2011 (UTC) both guardsmen have lasguns and pistols, but Frad has a power axe and David has shotgun. Primarch11 00:40, July 2, 2011 (UTC) If it is alright with you guys, I am going to take a break from this for a while,and work on some of my other stuff. After all we have been working on this all day. Supahbadmarine 01:02, July 2, 2011 (UTC) i'm kind of switching with this and my other work. I have to say this is going along pretty well so far. Primarch11 01:04, July 2, 2011 (UTC) Yeah, I could do with a break as well. I might do some work this Sunday, and then I'll have a forced one week hiatus from Monday to next Sunday. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 01:06, July 2, 2011 (UTC) I am not done with this part. i just got it started. Wait a little while longer before doing any edits please. Supahbadmarine 01:15, July 7, 2011 (UTC) Well, due to unforeseen circumstances I ended up having my holiday cut short by one day, so I'm back already. Ah well, no rest for the wicked, as they say. I really like the latest addition Supah. But, you still need to find a way of including Ezekiel Cornatus' shouted lines: "Trust me, I know what I'm doing" as he charges at Syrath though. :) Well, after you've fully finished this bit, Chapter 5 should shape up to be an interesting one. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 22:39, July 8, 2011 (UTC) No worries. I am glad that you like the part of It that I have added. Also, I had a thought. After they get away from Syrath perhaps Syrath could send Coraks after Grim. That way he could focus on catching his pray, and it would give Grim some action. What do you guys think? Supahbadmarine 23:06, July 8, 2011 (UTC) Great idea. Coraks would probably make use of his personal flagship in order pursue Grim Doris. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 23:33, July 8, 2011 (UTC) Cool! I will now finish up my section. So please try not to edit Crossing paths for a bit. If I do not portray any of your characters correctly, then please let me know. Supahbadmarine 00:05, July 9, 2011 (UTC) I may change Syrath's lines a wee bit once your done, but I think you have his rage and contempt for mortals down to a tee. Is this the end of Chapter 4, or is there more to follow? A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 00:38, July 9, 2011 (UTC) Still working. Supahbadmarine 00:45, July 9, 2011 (UTC) I'm done. Read it over, and tell me what you think. i like it im going to put in an idea I have since your done right now. Primarch11 02:40, July 9, 2011 (UTC) Good job Primarch. Anyway, since Ezekiel is currently in the possession of quite a few Psykers, I thought I would inform you guys about one of his quirks. You see he has a certain thing that he does when with Psykers in an attempt to keep them out of his head. He was once told by Alereina that Focusing strongly on particular memories can sometimes hold off a Psyker's probe into the mind. So, when he is in the presence of a Psyker, and is worried about having his mind read he starts focusing on memories of some of his more memorable sexual escapades in a sort of slide show. Because these memories leave a strong impression, and include sensory sensations they make it difficult to penetrate. Even if they don't make a good barrier, they can still be very distracting for the Psyker. I figured that you guys could use this as a comic device at some point if you wanted to. Supahbadmarine 05:01, July 9, 2011 (UTC) Also I would like to point out that they were captured rather abruptly. Having said that Ezekiel probably still has some luck left from the Coin of Aruto. You may be able to use this as a plot device. Supahbadmarine 05:47, July 9, 2011 (UTC) yea i was thinking that his ship comes to save him when he's talking with grim. Primarch11 07:46, July 9, 2011 (UTC) For the time being I shall merely critique, before I begin some formatting and editing. Firstly, Supah you portrayed Alicia in exactly the same way I would and Lorenzo's actions were well represented. I like how you portrayed Syrath, but I shall still be augmenting a couple of lines. Second, I believe that the Zeke/Alicia/Lorenzo/Syrath part should be the last section of Chapter 4. Third, although I really like the parts you added Primarch, I feel the gang was captured rather prematurely. I think it would have been better if Zeke managed to make his way to a secure location before he is captured, so that he can be evaluated by those he rescued. Lastly, during that lengthy talking part of the last sections Syrath's forces would have easily made their way to the position. In fact, given that Zeke had only just shaken Syrath from his tail before his capture, the Saint of Chaos would have caught up with them. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 12:11, July 9, 2011 (UTC) I am of similar opinions Cal, and I am glad that I managed to do alright by your characters. Supahbadmarine 14:03, July 9, 2011 (UTC) I am glad that you agree with me as well. I just feel that there was so much potential for more character development, and that we only partially explored what could occur on Ralun II. Also, I must reiterate that your portrayal of Alicia was almost flawless, in fact the only thing I changed was that Alcia slapped Ezekiel for attempting to chat her up, as that fits her character. Well, where should we head for next, as I'm not sure about how to write anymore of the Lorenzo/Alicia/Zeke thread. I have a rough idea of what Syrath/Coraks next moves will be and how Coraks boards Grim's ship as I had plenty of time to think it over. But I woke up this morning to find a whole new bit added to the chapter which we hadn't discussed yet and I'm not sure what the next course of action should be. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 14:13, July 9, 2011 (UTC) First we need to make a plan. All of these ad-lib plot twists are going to degrade the story. Next we have to slow down. We need to allow this story some time to pick up bulk. We need to stop going from one twist to another, and start adding some substance inbetween. This is not the kind of story that is ment to progress as fast as we have been driving it. Supahbadmarine 15:13, July 9, 2011 (UTC) Yeah, I feel we need to ease the pace a little bit. I was really hoping that after being rescued by Zeke, they would have a chance to cool off while still trying avoiding Syrath. Being captured so suddenly (when, lets face it, their position was completely unknown) was far too much of a plot twist to immediately occur not long after Zeke had met up with the Inquisitorial Duo (and Syrath). And, you are definitely right, we need more substance. I had an idea of what I would write to pan out the story a bit more (a chapter and a half) and was completely unprepared for the sudden plot twist that saw the gang be captured. As for your last point, I think that a story like this needs to be fast paced in bits, with several parts to allow for greater development of the tale. I think you should create a blog post which would allow us to set out a full plan. Either that, or I'll start one which is similar to the Deceit on Tegotia one.A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 15:22, July 9, 2011 (UTC) that could work, also I won't be on for a few hours, going to a relatives place. Primarch11 15:39, July 9, 2011 (UTC) Also I kind of wanted to do that whole quick capture thing because we kind of forgot about Edward and the rest of Grim's men too. So I felt like it was nessescary to put that in. Primarch11 15:40, July 9, 2011 (UTC) Also I just want to confirm that the Inquisitor lady has feelings for Lorenzo. Because that would work great as a semi-threat for Grim to use against her later on in the story. Primarch11 15:42, July 9, 2011 (UTC) I just remembered that this idea initially started as a Blog Post. So, I've gone and renamed the Blog to Crossing Paths. Now we have a place to put down our ideas before adding them to the article. Also, good to see you again Primarch. Don't worry about not being online over the next couple of hours, we wont make any major change while you are gone, we shall merely discuss them. And lastly, a curious little tidbit, from Chapter 1 to Chapter 4, the word count stands at 12602. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 15:45, July 9, 2011 (UTC) Alrighty then! Good work boys. I'll take care of the next part some time today. Supahbadmarine 15:27, November 16, 2011 (UTC) i think when zeke meets Grim, he should try to flirt with Siviva, Grim's adopted daughter, discription of her on Grim Doris page. Primarch11 15:39, November 16, 2011 (UTC) I think that would probably sound about right. Also I would like you to know that I liked your fight between Coraks and Grim. Though I feel I should point out that Khorne grants his followers a strong resistance to Psychic powers and sorcery, outright immunity in some cases. Also while Coraks is a Khorne follower himself, he is the leader of the 1st war legion, which is Chaos Undivided and represents the most elite fighters in Syrath's service. Supahbadmarine 15:53, November 16, 2011 (UTC) Yup, Supah has some very valid points. I'll be changing bits of the story slightly (such as Coraks brushing off some Psychic attacks due to his Collar of Khorne etc.), after Supah has posted his section of the story, during my grammar/spelling clean up of the chapter (as I have done everytime we finished a chapter). Also, as this is the Grimdark 41st Millenium, I feel we need some more deaths. So far, the majority of those who have been slaughtered, rightly so, are bad guys (Cultists; Traitor Guard; Chaos Space Marines; Daemons). I feel that we need to each sacrifice a minor character (so far my Inquisitor has lost the majority of her retinue, her Ship Captain will be killed, and she herself may die). I mean Grim has a long list of allies, and I feel that at least one or two of them would have been killed during the attack on his flagship (as the 50 Chaos Terminators sent to aid Coraks really are the best of the best of Syrath's Warriors). Also, may I suggest that Grim had to abandon ship, as the vessel was practically overrun by Chaos Space Marines. A Shadow Before the Dawn My Talk 18:35, November 16, 2011 (UTC) yea I had to rush it because of school, my bad. Primarch11 23:27, November 16, 2011 (UTC) Hi guys, I asked Cal if I may help with Corak's dialogue (If he gets back from the warp) and other Syrath dedicated Chaos Characters. Are there any spaces in the future in which I may suggest pieces of Chaotic speech? --Imposter101 21:43, January 20, 2012 (UTC)